Let me start by saying, “Time heals all wounds” is a myth. While healing does take time, true healing requires an appropriate amount of action. Also, in my experience, most people consider themselves “healed” when they are up and running again, but that by itself doesn’t mean we’ve healed. Often times, it just means we’ve healed just enough to plow ahead again. While this feels better than it did when our world shattered, and it reminds us of how we felt before any betrayal, it’s actually the number one way we prevent ourselves from fully healing.
So, how do we heal completely?
We have to restore trust in our Self, trust in others, and trust in the world by examining our belief system. When we experience betrayal, by nature, it’s a breach of trust. Think of trust in Self, trust in others, and trust in the world as a pair of sunglasses. That’s how you perceive everyday life. It starts from within. In order to heal from betrayal, it’s critical to understand ourselves and how we were set up for betrayal in the first place, so we can then develop a new level of discernment carrying forward. Think of discernment as your prescription. When you update your discernment, your sunglasses are no longer foggy. Your nervous system is no longer on fire, and you are able to connect with others and make sound decisions again.
After you reestablish trust in Self, trust in others, and trust in the world, aka you have your new sunglasses on, there’s one more critical step. Many will skip this step and say they’re healed, but anyone who has already been through this will easily see the scars they still carry.
So, what’s the last critical step?
Forgiveness. Forgiveness will set you free. And, this is a tough one, especially if you choose to maintain a relationship with the betrayer and/or if the betrayer is still carrying on with their bad behavior. How do we forgive someone who is still hurting others? How do we forgive someone who hurt us so badly our world shattered? How can we forgive the deceit, broken promises, infidelity, backstabbing, financial infidelity, toxicity, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, and the emotional aftermath of their betrayal?
There is no easy answer here. The truth of it is, you have to dig deep. Really, really deep.
So, are there anyways to expedite the process?
Absolutely. Find someone who’s been in your shoes. That’s why I decided to be a coach. Lean in on your support system, and if you don’t have one, start building it. Your system can be friends and family, but it can also be therapists and coaches. You need a tribe.
Is there anything else to consider?
Pace and Grace. Give yourself grace. It can be an emotional roller coaster filled with spurts of renewed confidence followed by loads of self doubt, but with the right people in your corner, it doesn’t have to be so painful. The best advice I can give is to find people you can trust, keep talking it out, and remember to go where you are celebrated. If you’re not sure who you can trust, and that means you are your healthiest self riding solo for a minute, then warm up to that. I promise you, if you stay the course, you will see the beauty on the other side of the struggle, and then you’ll become a magnet. Anytime you doubt your progress, remember what I’ve said here. Sometimes, we have to slow down to speed up. Odds are, you’re making a lot more progress than you realize.
Time heals all wounds rings true when you set the intention, find your support system, and have the willpower to follow through.
Keep digging deep! You’re worth it!
Much love 💪❤️
